Russell Snyder 06/08/1958 - MM/DD/YYYY
Five Timz State Spellin Champeon

The Funeral For Russell Snyder
Putting the Fun Back in Funeral
Decades in the Making
Now with 50% More Clowns
Sunday! Sunday! Be There!
(a work in progress)

It is with the deepest sadness that the family announces that Russell Baxley Snyder (age e.g. 63), of (address) died (in his residence/hospital/other) on (day of the week), (month) (day) at (time) (tragically/after a long illness with some disease/suddenly/as a result of a recent accident/from injuries sustained while sword fighting).

Russell was born in San Diego, California at Mercy Hospital on June 8, 1958 and moved with his parents Joseph and Barbara Snyder to Irving, Texas at age three. While growing up Russell was thrilled by each Christmas, was upset when he caught a cat eating a mouse, was hit in the head with a golf club, and developed a love for life, tools, tinkering, and collecting stuff. Russell is survived by many plastic tubs filled with stuff. As a young man Russell got a job at a bank, met his wife, made a home, raised a family, but always had time for a couple of beers with friends.

Russell is survived by his Father Joseph Cecil Snyder, wife of 40 years Sharon Lea Snyder, Brother Andrew Christian Snyder, Sister Judith Ann Carson, Son Joseph Baxley Snyder, Stepson Jody Lynn Smith, Stepson Jason Alan Smith, Granddaughter Madison Ann Krivda, Regan Bryane Smith, Granddaughter Siara Bryane Smith, and many cherished cousins nieces, and nephews. Russell is preceded in death by his Mother Barbara Ann Snyder.

Funeral Arrangements Section 1 - Burial Attire
Black suit, white shirt, black tie, suspenders, shoes on the side, glasses in pocket, underwear optional.

Funeral Arrangements Section 2 - Burial Accessories
Article (1) one plastic fork - visible (placed in hand or to the side - you pick) Those that know the "Save Your Fork" story will know why.
Article (2) $5.00 for bus fare (Hey - 39 members of Heaven's Gate can't be wrong).
Article (3) Jewelry not required.
Article (4) Anything a friend or relative might think I'll need.

Funeral Arrangements Section 3 - Burial Location
Bear Creek Cemetery. See photo below.

Funeral Arrangements Section 4 - Funeral Director
Donnelly's Colonial Funeral Home seems to do a good job. I'm not sure if they have a night drop off slot.
606 West Airport Freeway
Irving, Texas

Funeral Arrangements Section 5 - Basic Funeral Arrangement Details
Article (1) Embalming - Yes.
Article (2) Vault - Yes (your choice - just something to keep the grave from collapsing).
Article (3) Casket - your choice (wood is nice but not important to me).
Article (4) Open casket - yes please (lets people know you are really dead).
Article (5) Obituary - Dallas Morning News.
Article (6) Flowers - Yes I like flowers. Attendees divided by number of flowers equals Life "yatzee" score. Our family usually forgets and has to add their name on somebody elses card.
Article (7) Memorial Card - Make sure it has one or more pictures on it preferably selected by Judy.

Funeral Arrangements Section 6 - Rosary "The Vigil"
As a baptized Catholic and not a notorious aposatate, heritic or schismatic, not chosen cremation, and whose funeral will not cause public scandal to the faithful I am entitled to all the Sacraments ( see Archdiocesan Policy (Book IV Part 1) 701.1.1 Entitlement to Church's Ministry at Time of Death.)

I would like a brief abbreviated "The Vigil" service performed as follows with the understanding that this request is a mismatch of rituals performed during the traditional 3 part Catholic Funeral:

Article (1) Held at the funeral home 7Pm to 8pm or even shorter if possible
Article (2) Public - Yes please to all that are interested
Article (3) Priest to lead the mourners in the Rosary (Glorious Mysteries)
Article (4) the "Eternal Rest" prayer, is prayed after each decade of the Rosary (where the Fatima Prayer is usually prayed): Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord; and let perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.
Article (5) Music - Andy see
Article (6) If the priest can sneak in an absolution that would be great.
Article (7) Body sprinkled with holy water and incensed (if permitted)
Article (8) Order of the service to be determine by the priest as deemed appropriate.
Article (9) Any other Sacraments/rituals/procedures required or deemed necessary by the priest (prayers, communion, etc.)
Article (10) Any of the items listed above may be excluded if explicitly prohibited by the Church.

Section 6 Note: This sounds like a lot of work to put together so consider it optional.

Funeral Arrangements Section 7 - Family Visitation/Calling Hours
Article (1) Calling Hours - 9PM to 10PM (depending on Section 5 above).
Article (2) Public - Yes please.
Article (3) Fork placed in hand during calling hours viewing (conversation piece). Note: Fork remains in hand during the funeral service.
Article (4) Music - "Classical Music For People Who Hate Classical Music".

Funeral Arrangements Section 8 - Funeral Service Tuba Trio
Article (1) Tuba Trio should play a selection of music before and after the service. I don't know where you find them. Probably somewhere where there aren't a lot of girls. The music selection (Polka, Classical, Marches, etc.) is not important.

Funeral Arrangements Section 9 - Funeral Service Picture Slide Show
Article (1) A Funeral Service Picture Slide Show seems to be mandatory now days. It gives the family something to do and fight over. I like it! The drive labeled "Pictures and Videos" contain a vast selection of material. If the Tuba Trio is note possible, throw in a cheesy sound track. South Park "Dead Dead Dead" would be hilarious but probably not appropriate. Your call. It would be great if that by the time I die the slide show will be a 3D hologram and if so, throw in at least one picture of a hot chick.

Funeral Arrangements Section 10 - Funeral Service Funeral Director Introduction
Article (1) The funeral director begins the service with the traditional stuff (.... We meet here today to honor and pay tribute to the life of Russell, and to express our love and admiration for him.....blah blah blah) or something to that effect. The director should explain that I spent a lot of time thinking about if not planning a service that isn't traditionally boring then lead everyone in a big loud, "THANKS RUSSELL!" followed by a reading of the news paper obituary (see above).

Funeral Arrangements Section 11 - Funeral Service Game of Chance
Article (1) Attendees should be rewarded with the chance to win a prize. You must be present to win. Ticket stub drawing, envelope taped under a chair, etc. A game or two of Bingo would be great and could be used as filler in lieu of prayers but I'm not sure how how long a game would take or if it would fit into the time allotted to the service. Note to self: Secure a Bingo set and experiment with timings.

Funeral Arrangements Section 12 - Funeral Service Reading of "Save Your fork"
Article (1) Reading of the "Save Your Fork" story should be performed by Andy if possible. I choose Andy because I know it will annoy him.

Funeral Arrangements Section 13 - Funeral Service Keening
Article (1) Enter hired African American Baptist mourners. Nurses will not be required.

Funeral Arrangements Section 14 - Funeral Service Postlude
Article (1) The funeral director announces the cemetery service, instructions, etc.
Article (2) The funeral director also announces any planned after party gathering (e.g. "The family invites you to join them at somebody's house after the service has concluded.").
Article (3) Final viewing. Attendees are invited to the customary "perp walk" final viewing and nod respectful to the family.
Article (4) The casket is placed unceremoniously into the herse by funeral home personel assisited by friends and family if needed. Pallbearers are not required at this time. It would ruin the surprise.

Funeral Arrangements Section 15 - Funeral Procession to the Cemetery
Article (1) More information to follow. Sample Procession

Funeral Arrangements Section 16 - Cemetery Service
Article (1) TBD

Funeral Arrangements Section 17 - Pipe Me Home
Article (1) At the end of the interment service a slow air (Amazing Grace?) is played as a piper walks into the distance with music fading away.